Veelas and Accidental Bonds
by E.C. Scrubb
Summary: What happens when Harry's "Saving People Thing" sends him rushing into a wedding to save someone? Who gets bonded? A parody on cliches, Horcrux hunts, and bondmates not wanting to be bonded. HP/FD/DG and others.
1. Right Wedding Wrong Groom

**A/N** I have no idea what this is or where I'm going with it. It very well might be a one shot or it may turn into a full-fledged story. Either way, it is, by all means, a smart-alec, parody/humorous look at bonding fics, cliches, and a young man named Harry Potter who just doesn't know how to turn his "saving people" thing off. Oh, the problem he ends up with.

If this does end up as a multichapter story... please realize it is being done as a fic to blow off steam and thus, won't be beta'd (though I'll do my best when it comes to spelling, grammar, etc.), nor will updates be on any type of schedule. I have two other storylines that I am dedicated to at the time. This one, is simply for me to play with.

Go ahead and review if you dare associate your name to something like this! Oh, and besides it being Harry/Fleur/multi, I ain't (-don't you love that word) telling anyone a dang thing on 'ships! Read it to find out! ;)

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER 1<strong>

**(Maybe the only chapter!)  
><strong>

**RIGHT WEDDING/WRONG GROOM**

It was an absolutely beautiful wedding, at least, it was going to be. Fleur was dressed in a flowing white gown with a train carried by the Matron of honor, Gabrielle - a traditional role usually filled in Veela weddings by an older married sister or friend - and the maid of honor, Ginny. It was good for everyone that the twins had hid Ginny's wand the night before. When Fleur's cousin wasn't able to come at the last minute, Fleur swallowed her considerable pride and offered an olive branch to the youngest Weasley.

Ginny had promptly informed her where she could put said olive branch, until her father and Bill took her aside.

"For me, Ginny, please? You're my favorite sister and I want you in my wedding."

Ginny remembered rolling her eyes. "I'm your only sister and do you really want your only sister cursing the prissy out of Fleur tomorrow?"

Now, standing at the back of the crowd and holding the train of Fleur's dress in her hands, Ginny wished she had her wand. A cutting curse in just the right spot would remove the entire lower half of the dress and Ginny had the unfortunate knowledge that the only thing Fleur was wearing on the lower half of her body above the knees, was the dress.

"Damn breeze," she muttered to herself. Fleur had given her a look of death a few minutes ago when that gust of wind - enhanced Ginny's visual knowledge of Fleur.

Ginny giggled.

At least she got a beautiful new dress and looked exquisite for Harry, though that wasn't as big of a deal as it would have been a few weeks ago. Anyway, just how good could she look alongside the two French bimbos— er, blondes?

Looking back over her shoulder for no reason in particular, Ginny saw the twins. She nodded at them and they both turned to her as she gave a fake sneeze, lifting her hands and by extension, the dress.

Fleur didn't even bother turning around, which was a good thing as the twins were standing in awe of the French derriere, before that is, they caught sight of Bill standing at the front, He couldn't see Fleur, but the twins were the twins and Ginny was back there too. Bill knew whatever it was, it wasn't good, especially when Ginny peered around the little barrier that had been erected and winked at her oldest brother. The twins hurriedly scampered off to resume their roles in the wedding as ushers.

**X O X O X O X **

Harry sat in his chair and watched the procession. Fleur looked stunning as she walked up the aisle. Ginny didn't look too bad herself. She smiled as she walked by and flashed him a grin as well as a bit of Fleur.

_Very nice_, Harry thought to himself. But he knew to keep it silent, now and forever, or he'd be hexed six ways to Sunday and seven more times _on _Sunday. Ginny's jealousy was bad, even though she was the one that caused the little view of heaven.

It was because of that tendency that Harry had decided he and Ginny wouldn't work out. They were still friends, more than friends to be honest, but they had both finally agreed that the relationship wasn't going to go anywhere permanently.

Harry shook his head and chuckled at Ginny's cheek - and Fleur's.

Once they passed, Harry noticed someone sitting in the front row on the bride's side and nudged Ron, sitting next to him.

"What's she doing here?" Harry asked.

"Who?" Ron answered with his own question.

"Her!" Harry whispered a little too loudly, just as the wedding march music stopped. Everyone turned to look at him, including the young women he was staring at.

Daphne Greengrass gave both Harry and Ron a look of death.

"Why is she here?" Ron suddenly asked Harry.

Harry shook his head. "That's what I've been asking you. A little slow on the wand today?"

"Did you see what I saw when Fleur walked by? Of course I am."

Harry laughed out loud.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today . . ." the official began his monotone delivery as Harry kept staring at Daphne Greengrass, trying to figure out what she was doing at the wedding. He noticed Hermione sitting next to her, but that was no mystery. She was protecting Fleur and Ginny, from each other. Hermione had both of their wands and promised to give them back after the ceremony.

Unfortunately, everyone forgot that without a wand, a Veela broadcasts magic instead of directing it, especially when surprised.

"Everyone seems a bit edgy today," Harry observed to Ron.

"I heard Mum and Dad talking earlier. The Ministry has been under constant attack in the Wizengamot. They've even had to fend off two or three physical attacks. There's a major meeting tonight and dad thinks the government is going to be voted out and someone under the _Imperius_ curse by_ You-know-Who _will be voted in."

The timing of the comment really couldn't have been worse as Harry, a man of very quick action and very little forethought, saw a flash above Fleur's head and was out of his seat, careering through the chairs like a Malfoy caught kissing a Muggleborn.

Hermione, seeing Harry out of the corner of her eye, immediately jumped up to give Ginny and Fleur their wands back, thinking danger was near.

Ginny, for all her faults when it came to the Delacours, tried to protect Gabrielle by pushing her to the ground so she'd be safe from whatever was happening.

Daphne came up out her seat as a reaction to all the commotion around her just before Harry reached the gathered group of witches and threw his body at them.

Harry, Ginny, Daphne, Hermione, and Fleur all went down in a heap.

"What the hell?" Bill yelled out.

Harry tried to untangle himself from the mass of fabric, frills, hair, and female body parts that seemed to be draped on and around him, but he realized how he was laying on Fleur and what she was - and was not wearing, and blushed.

"Harry!" Fleur cried out in surprise, blushing herself.

Ginny also turned red, but in an absolute fury.

Daphne started laughing and Hermione turned to her. "That is not funny! He should not be saying those things to a witch who's just about to be married!"

Harry found himself being lifted off Fleur with one hand by a now irate groom. "What did you say to my about-to-be wife?"

"Nothing!" Harry answered.

Fleur gasped and cried out again, louder this time. "HARRY! What have you done?"

"What?" Harry turned around. "Excuse me for thinking that a flash of light above your head was a bad thing. I've had to save the arses of half the Weasley family by this point. Might as well be your turn and get it over with sooner rather than later."

Sitting in the front row, Arthur leaned over to Molly. "He _does _have a point."

Molly glared at her husband.

"'Arry, you thought you were saving me at the same time? Zhis is not good. I was letting my magic out to bond. Zhat is zhe flash you saw. Zhat means. . . " - Fleur conjured a piece of paper and a ball-point pen, since France was far more advanced than Britain, and did the calculations.

Hermione, who was staring at Harry opened-mouthed, called out to Fleur. "You forgot to include Hussete's 295th law at its 12th interval."

"Oh damn, 'Ow could I 'ave forgot zhat? Zhank you soul-sister-bondmate future-lover."

She stopped and stared at Hermione, slack jawed.

It all clicked for Harry.

"Oh bloody hell!" he spun around once and hit the ground, out cold, which was just as well.

Bill was right peeved when he found out Fleur was now married to Harry, his sister, his brother's crush, and some Slytherin chick that was a distant relation of Fleur on her father's side.

_Well, this is going to make the Horcrux hunt interesting. _Hermione thought to herself.

The other three witches looked at her with shock when a fourth, yet unheard person asked, "'_hat are Hor'ruxes?_"

Hermione, Fleur, Ginny, and Daphne, of which the latter two were in too much shock to say a word now, all looked down to the ground.

There, standing next to Harry and petting his head, was a creature that had snuck up to the wedding to see what was going on just before the group had hit the ground.

A garden gnome named Buttons was the fifth and final female of the bond.

The other bonded females hit the ground next to Harry, out cold as well.

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><p><strong>AN **This fic _won't _include Weasley bashing, at least not anymore than any other character. I just don't get the perverse joy people get from that.

Other than that... hope you all had fun and aren't too afraid to check out any of my other fics. The two serious ones are _When a Veela Cries (Harry/Fleur) _and _The Dark Domination: The Rise of Dumbledore's Army_ (many 'ships, it's a DH fic of Dumbledore's Army that leads into another story I'm telling, which is primarily a Harry/Ginny fic).

Please check them out if you'd like.

For other humorous stuff by me, please check out my profile page for my other fics.


	2. Redux!

**A/N **Since enough of you are masochists and want some more story. . . here you go!

**...  
><strong>

**CHAPTER TWO**

**REDUX!**

"Zhis is going to be zhe biggest splash I 'ave ever made!" Jacquette promised herself as she primped in the mirror. "Zhat's perfect – no, maybe a leetle more curl!" She closed her eyes and put a little more curl into her hair.

The half-Veela stepped back and looked at herself again in the mirror, wearing a silk dress that hugged her body until it flared out gradually at mid-thigh. The silk also formed a bodice flower on the right breast of the strapless light blue dress. Putting on her four-inch matching heals, she began to let out her allure as a precursor to flooding the happy couple with her bonding magic, enhancing their marriage bond.

Jacquette picked up the Portkey and activated it. Five seconds later, she was standing in the meadow beyond the Burrow. Turning on the allure and bonding magic she walked into the wards and prepared to Apparate – with all the set up, Apparation had been allowed within the wards – straight to the front at the exact moment the bride and groom were supposed to kiss, sealing the marriage. It would be a great gift she thought, and a wonderful entrance as well! She took a deep breath and turned on the spot.

**X O X O X O X**

The wedding was in complete melee. Bill was fuming and about ready to become the Roman guard to Harry's Jesus. Oh yeah, crucifixion was just the beginning for this savior as far as Bill was concerned. Said savior however, was still out cold, overcome by the magic and utterly insane emotions of the opposite sex (at least from his perspective). The bondmates were now sitting on the ground, trying to come to terms with what had just happened. Buttons was standing on the middle of the table in the front, having pushed the candles that the bride and groom were going to light to the side.

"Fleur," Bill began, "what do we need to do to get you out of this mess?"

"You can't, it's permanent. The five of us are married to 'Arry by magic."

"Married?" Bill sputtered. "That's impossible, we were getting married."

"I'm sorry, love. But according to zhe calculations, there is no other explanation."

"That little prat, I'm going to kill him!"

Fleur shook her head. "Kill him and you'll be running the rest of your life from me."

Bill stepped back in surprise. "Wait, what! Why are you defending him?"

"I've already changed. He is my bonded now."

Bill looked down at Harry, lying on the ground. "When you wake up, I'm going to curse you within an inch of your life!"

Fleur was still shaking her head as her beautiful silky blond always perfect hair flowed back and forth. "No, you're not William. I will protect him now. Harry and I are bonded for life."

"Harry and you?" Ginny screeched. "Are you forgetting the rest of us you French hag?"

Fleur spun around to face Ginny. "The worst thing about zhis bond is zhat I am in it with a little girl who has a big mouth and small breasts."

"I'd rather have a big mouth and small breasts then the droopy cow udders you'll have in a few years!"

Hermione wisely jumped in the middle of the two of them as they were about to launch themselves at each other.

"Ah hell, this just might be entertaining after all," Daphne quipped.

Bill looked over at her. "Entertaining? There is nothing entertaining about _my wife _fighting with my sister!"

"I'M NOT YOUR WIFE!" Fleur yelled.

"Yeah? Well, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN!" Bill took a step and kicked Harry in the rear, rather hard. "If this plonker— OOF" Bill fell to the ground, doubled over in pain from the smashed jewels of manhood.

"If you do that again, I'll 'ick you in the other gonad!"

Buttons, who had ran to the end of the table and jumped while kicking out and hitting Bill with an English football player's skill, hrmppfed and climbed back onto the table.

"Nobody 'alks about my Harry like that!"

Ron, who had followed Harry forward with his own wand in hand, stared gobsmacked at the gnome. Tonks who was helping guard the wedding for the Order, broke out in laughter as she stepped forward to restore some order. She tripped over a chair, landing on Daphne Greengrass's 'date' for the wedding, who happened to be Tracy Davis (There was no way she was letting a sister Slytherin come to _this _wedding without a little support).

Tracy scowled at the older Tonks and pushed her away, but Tonks reached up and grabbed her arm as she fell, pulling them both —

A flash of light overtook the entire group as Jacquette Apparated in and flashed her allure, but the only person in front of her was Ron, who had just been fallen upon by Tonks and Tracy. Ron reached out to protect Jacquette from being injured as they all went down in a heap. Another flash of light encased the bundle of arms and legs.

"Bloody hell, not again!" someone shouted. In the silence that followed, Luna's voice rang out. "Oh poo! I missed it again!" she dramatically ran her hand across her forehead and faked a faint in front of the twins in hopes that one of them would save her.

Fred and George put their hands behind their backs and Luna bounced off the ground.

"Sorry Luna, but we—" Fred began.

"Don't want to be bonded—" George continued.

"To Nargles," they finished.

"But," she protested, "how do you know I have them?

They answered in unison, "You're not wearing your cork necklace."

That was about as much as Mrs. Weasley could handle.

"THAT'S IT!" Mrs. Weasley yelled out. "THERE WILL BE NO MORE BONDING IN MY HOUSE!"

"Honey," Mr. Weasley pulled on her dress to get her attention. "We, um, aren't really in the house and technically, it's in my name."

It took an hour to reverse the jinxes.

**X O X O X O X**

Harry and his bonded mates made their way about a quarter mile behind the Burrow, sitting in an open spot in the sparse forest just behind the field.

"Alright Fleur, tell us what this is," Harry commanded, sitting on a log.

"There's nothing much to say. You're now married to four witches and a garden gnome."

Buttons leaned in Harry after sneaking up on the log. "I like that," she said, running her had across his upper leg towards his—"

"WHAT THE RUDDY BLAZES!" Harry jumped back up as the Garden Gnome fell over, bouncing its head off the log and falling arse over kettle backwards to the ground.

"That's no way to treat a bondmate Harry," Daphne deadpanned.

"What! You think. . . You expect me to. . ." he looked around frantically at the other human (and Veela) bondmates.

"Yep, definitely entertaining." Daphne announced as she began to laugh.

"Your just lucky to be a part of this, Snake!" Ginny spat at Daphne, feeling a little protective of Harry.

"And you're lucky to 'ave 'it puberty so you could be a part of zhe bond!" Fleur commented haughtily.

Ginny turned around and stared at her before picking up a stick. "If you're going to be such a bitch, why do you be a good little bitch and GO FETCH!"

Daphne had to duck as the stick whipped by her head. Ginny couldn't hide the fact through the bond that she'd done it on purpose either.

The next moment, Daphne, Ginny, and Fleur where in a three-way fight.

Harry, who had made sure Buttons was no where around, looked helplessly at Hermione, who just shrugged as she watched on.

Harry waved his wand and conjured a ten-foot square, half a foot deep puddle of mud around the three girls, then added ropes around it to complete the look.

Hermione raised an eyebrow and Harry shrugged back. "Might as well make the best of it."

Out of the corner of his eye, Harry saw Buttons fly off the top rope and bounce off of Daphne's head, pushing her face first into the mud.

Harry awarded her a point as he began to keep score.

**X O X O X O X**

"What happened?" Ron asked as he finally woke up around the time Harry had cast the ropes for the wrestling match.

He was laying in his bed with a chagrined half-Veela he didn't know, a very confused and yet amused Tonks, and a brassed off Slytherin looking down at him.

"It seems your Gryffindor chivalry has screwed us all in the arse, _husband!_" Tracy answered.

Tonks grinned. "When did I miss that?" She began to disrobe

Ron began hyperventilating.

"Easy, Nymphydory," Jacquette teased. "You don't want our bondmate to die of shock before we get our way with 'im, do you?"

"Wah, wah, WHAT!" Ron cried out.

Tracy sighed. "Damn it! Sure, that stupid Gryffindor bravery thing is all well and good while fighting Death Eaters twice, but _please_ don't tell me you're as timid as a mouse in front of a Hippogriff in the bedroom."

Ron was utterly, completely, and truly, gobsmacked.

In the meanwhile, Jacquette and Tonks were having a silent discussion on why Tonks never went by her first name.

Once that was settled Jacquette announced, "Well ladies, shall we finished with the bonding?"

They all began to get undressed and Ron's eyes grew wider and wider. "But. . . my room. . . my mum. . ."

Tonks picked up her wand. "Thanks for reminded us," and cast a charm on the door before taking off her skirt.

"WHAT! No... this isn't... I'm... I'm want to wait until I'm married!"

"Ron, sweety," Jacquette cooed. "We're already married."

"MUUUUUUUUUUUUMMYYYYYYYYYYY!"

"That's rather disconcerting," Tonks said.

"Disconcerting?" Tracy retorted. "That's downright disgusting.

Tonks snorted, slipped, and fell to the floor, knocking Tracy's legs out from underneath her. She landed, half naked, on Tonks.

It was all Ron needed to see.

A nice consequence to the bonding was Ron never again feeling like he was in someone else's shadow.

Oh sure, there were a few instances of jealousy in the beginning when he found out Harry had two more wives, but he kept that hidden, even from his bondmates. After a few days of watching Harry's predicament, Ron _couldn't_ envy Harry. He just felt sorry for the poor bloke.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **So the bondings are now complete – well, all the bondings have happened, let's put it that way. Who knows if Harry's bondmates will ever get around to Harry with the way they're fighting.

There are two fics out there that are both very well known – or at least they should be in the Harry/Fleur or Harry/Multi world that I have taken pokes at here. Can anyone guess them? Please understand that I take pokes at these fics specifically because I have thoroughly enjoyed them and think they are absolutely wonderful. Matter of fact, I will post links to them in the next chapter so you can go there and read them yourselves. I have read both of them multiple times (though one, I've had to read with a hand over my eyes in a few places).

Hope you have enjoyed this fic so far – I found it quite funny how many times Buttons was referenced in the reviews. I have some plans for her! Also, please note – while I'm sticking somewhat close to canon characterization and events, this is definitely AU and it's all a part of my completely screwed up brain.

**A/N 2 **If you want a serious Harry/Fleur fic from me, please see "_When a Veela Cries_." The next chapter will be posted over this next weekend. If you want to read a true crack!fic - I have a Harry Potter, Twilight one shot. Trust me, you do not need to like either of the books to enjoy "_WHEN HARRY MET EDWARD AT THE EMO HERO REHAB_."

—**DISCLAIMER—**

No garden gnomes were harmed in the making of this fanfic.


	3. The Aftermath

**...**

**CHAPTER THREE**

**THE AFTERMATH**

"Bloody Hell!" Ron whispered after waking up the next morning with his Veela, Metamorph, and Slytherin wife draped over him in various states of dress.

"It's good to see you lived up to the Gryffindor bravery after all," Tracy whispered back, a slight smile showing itself.

"You mean that wasn't a dream?" He asked. "And why are you being nice to me? I thought you hated me."

"Hated you? I barely knew you. I admit I considered Gryffindors a little Mary and Gary Sue-ish but—"

"What?" Ron asked.

"Nothing, anyway, anybody that can brass off Malfoy as much as the Golden Trio can, can't be all bad."

"Golden Trio?" he echoed back.

"Yeah, pretty stupid name, isn't it? Some poor schmuck came up with it, probably had some kind of repressed sexual desire about showers and three. . . ." She paused.

"Thanks," Ron said. "You could tell?"

"Yeah, I guess I'm able to feel you pretty good through the bond now. Of course, I felt you pretty good last night too."

She watched as he turned bright red.

"You really are going to have to stop blushing like that and start sticking up for yourself or we're going to make your life a living hell, you do know that."

"Would you two keep it down?" Tonks asked.

Tracy and Ron looked at each other then back at Tonks. "Did I wear you out that much?" Ron asked. "Sorry, just a little youthful still, I guess."

Tonks flashed Ron a look of death and Tracy wiped a fake tear from her eye. "He learns so fast."

"Don't encourage him, Slytherin princess," Tonks mumbled from her side of Ron.

"But Nymphydory," Jacquette said, laying on the other side of tonks, "you were encouraging 'im all night. 'More! Yes! Just let me get a better hold of the chandelier!' Ow!" She turned around glared at Tonks who had just swatted her on the rear.

"I didn't even know I had a chandelier in here," Ron commented, looking down at the floor where it broke loose from the ceiling and fell sometime last night. "Mum's going to have a fit when she sees the damage to the room."

"MUUUUMMMMMMY" All three wives cried out at the same time."

"I'm never living that down, am I?"

"No way in hell," Tonks answered.

"Since everyone's up, think we should find out how the other bonded – er - are doing? What do we call them, by the way? They sure aren't a couple." Tracy pondered.

"Quintuple?" Tonks offered.

"I zhink we should shorten it to 'quids'."

"Quids?" Ron repeated, unsure of the word.

"It's better than Quintuple," Tracy said, "not as much of a mouthful."

"Don't even say it!" Ron snapped off at Tonks, hearing the thought in her head.

"What's wrong, Magi?" Tonks asked.

"Magi? Since when am I a Magi?"

"Since you did magic," Tracy answered. "Technically all wizards are Magi – short for magician."

"Oh, didn't know that."

"Zhere's a lot of things you didn't know before last." Jacquette teased.

"Yeah, but I noticed you two were the ones dog-tired this morning," Ron answered, gesturing to the two older wives.

"That's because of the dog that mounted us!" Tonks reminded him.

"Dog?" Ron said, "Hey, let me show you something." He leaned over and licked Tonks's cheek. "From what I hear, it's all the rage amongst Quids."

Tracy shook her head and slapped him on the shoulder. "If you're right, then knock it off!"

"Why?" Ron asked, smiling as Tonks rubbed her cheek against his arm to dry it off.

"Because, silly magi, licks are for Quids."

**X O X O X O X**

"He did what?" Daphne asked later that afternoon.

Tracy sat down in the chair and laughed. "Leaned over and licked her cheek."

"I guess that's one way of being cheeky."

Tracy rolled her eyes. "Speaking of mates, so what's like being with Harry Potter?"

"I have no clue. Fleur's a princess of the worst kind, Ginny's everything _wrong_ about Gryffindor, and I can't stop thinking about complex Arithmancy equations due to Hermione. She actually interprets Runes in her dreams."

"And Buttons?" Tracy asked.

"She's the most sane out of all of us. Speaking of which, I gotta go, my _bonded wives _are calling me."

Tracy couldn't help but chuckle at the way her mouth twisted over the words. "Where are you going?"

"Supposedly, we've decided that we need to work this thing out. We can't do it with everyone here so we're going to Hermione's house. She says her parents are in Australia for some reason."

Tracy lifted an eyebrow. "Australia? So you're all going to be alone with him? Maybe you'll actually finish the bond."

"Don't threaten me like that," Daphne growled.

Tracy laughed. "I can't help but wonder how the bond will be completed with Buttons." She ducked a light jinx shot at her head. "Testy! Aren't you!"

The wand came back up to eye level.

"Alright, I give. I'll walk you back to the house."

They made their way into the crowded Burrow to see Bill and Harry in the front room.

"Make sure you treat her right, Harry. Treat all of them right, okay?"

"I will. I really am sorry, I never intended for this to happen."

Bill hitched a tight smile. "I can't say it's okay, I really am brassed off at the situation, but it's not your fault. After all, you _have _saved half the Weasley family. Can't fault you for thinking you'd have to save another one."

Harry thanked him for understanding and with his bondmates in tow, Apparated to Hermione's house.

**X O X O X O X**

A minute later, a couple owls flew through an open window and dropped two fifty Galleon tickets on the table for "Apparation Without a License."

Harry stared at them. "Can't anything go right in my bleedin' life?"

"Uh, oh!" Ginny said with a gasp. She looked at Harry. "Wrong word, or right one. Looks like your life is about to be filled with a lot more of it."

"A lot more of what?"

Suddenly, all five bondmates, even Buttons had a strange look on their face. "_Zut_! Mine was jhust last week!" Fleur huffed as the five of them ran off to the bathroom.

Harry sat down on the couch and turned on the TV, He wasn't sure what he was in for, but it wasn't going to be pretty. He could already tell that through the bond.

The next four days were absolute hell. Harry learned all about embarrassment and feminine hygiene products – at the same time.

"Do you really need that many?" the shop clerk asked, looking at him a little warily as Harry picked the fourth package from the shelf and put it in his basket. If Harry could Obliviate himself . . . of course_, _he had to pick the one store where the clerk was a late-twenties beauty. "It took me five years to train my husband to get the right ones. Would you like me to help? You can take all the credit when you go home."

_Help? How in the bloody blazes – bad choice of word – do I tell her that I need them for four women and a garden gnome? _

"Um, yeah, sure. The problem is, I have to pick up some for my, um, sisters too."

"Don't tell me it hit all of them at the same time."

"Yeah, within a few minutes of each other, even," Harry mumbled.

"You poor thing, here, let me help. You're going to need it."

Fifteen minutes later, a thankful but red-faced Harry walked out of the store, loaded up with pills, wads of material in assorted shapes, lettuce, vegetables, beans, and other items containing Iron and Calcium and whatever else was needed.

He slipped into the alley and began to Apparate when he remembered the letter he received. With a sigh and a check to make sure no one could see what he was carrying, Harry walked the four blocks back to the house.

He opened the door to a cat fight – almost literally, as Hermione and Fleur were currently hissing at one another.

"Hermoine?" Harry questioned, trembling at the sight of his best friend transformed into a raging, spitting, inferno of wrath.

"What do you want, you Bastard!"

"Wha. . . ? I . . . ." four other pairs of eyes turned on him.

"I'm going to die."

After more time had passed than Harry wanted to admit, he sat the bags down on the table slowly and backed up. "I think I'm going to go to the Burrow for a while to um . . . check up on things. I'll be back . . . tomorrow?"

Hermione crossed her arms.

"Early in the morning?"

Daphne produced her wand.

"Late tonight?"

Ginny tied her hair up in a bun, preparing for a hexing match.

"Not so late tonight?"

A small fireball showed up on Fleur's right hand.

"Alright, just a few hours, I promise."

WHUMP!

"Ouch!" Harry cried and reached down for his foot, where he saw Buttons with a rubber mallet.

"Two hours, tops, understand?" she said.

Harry nodded and ran out of the house. He summoned his broom and Invisibility cloak, threw the latter over himself, then hopped on his broom and pushed off, desperately trying to put as many miles between him and the House of Hormones as possible.

**X O X O X O X **

"I already told you! They HISSED at each other!"

Ron was holding his sides laughing as he fetched another butterbeer for Harry to calm his nerves.

George shook his head. "I wouldn't be laughing if I were you, little brother, you have three of them yourself."

Ron contemplated that for a moment. "Harry, could you pensieve the memory for me? I need to see what I'm headed for."

"Don't worry about it," Jacquette said. "It won't be so bad for us."

"Why not?" Tonks asked. "Not that I'm complaining."

"They 'ave a bond between three species – and they aren't used to resisting each other's feelings yet, which can't happen until they consummate the marriage anyway. Since we've already consummated, we're almost used to each other now. It'll just be like normal for us."

"Wait," George looked at his younger brother. "I may have found a new respect for you."

"It's a good thing we didn't spread those rumors about him last year," Fred reminded him.

"Which ones were those?" George asked

"Don't you remember? The ones where he and Trelawney—"

"Oh yeah!"

"It was one of our better ones!" Fred decried. "What could make you forget about that?"

*"A few things - A bucket of chocolate sauce and Remus on a cold night, for instance," George answered.

"You say the sweetest things!"

Ron picked up a pillow and bounced it off his brother's head. "Scarring Harry's mind with mental pictures like that won't help him."

"He's right," Fred acknowledged. "Save the chocolate sauce for later tonight."

"Sure. Anyone know if Lupin is coming over?"*

"Enough boys!" Molly yelled from the kitchen.

Harry got up out of his chair. "I think I'm going to go for walk."

"Good idea, mind if we come with you?" Ron asked.

"Who's we?"

"Us," Tonks said as she stood up. Jacquette and Tracy followed and the five of them walked through the gate in the backyard and out to the forest beyond.

"So, have you thought anymore about the Horcrux hunt?" Ron asked when they arrived at the mud-wrestling pit.

"I'll be lucky to survive this week!" Harry cried. "How in the name of Merlin's soggy left nut do you expect me to think about the Horcrux hunt?"

Tracy patted Harry on the back. "It'll be okay. I just hope you have the stamina to make it."

Tonks snorted.

"Don't worry, Harry, everything always works out well for you," Ron said. "At least, it does in the end."

"Really?" Tonks asked.

"Not like that, you naughty witch." Tracy reprimanded her with a smirk.

Harry gawped at the two of them when Ron smiled, cocksure and relaxed.

"Our Ron iz looking sure of 'imself," Jaquette said.

"He should be," Tracy answered. "He doesn't cry out for mummy anymore, either."

The smile dropped from Ron's face.

"Thanks," Harry said. "That almost made up for the twins."

Ron rolled his eyes and put an arm around Harry. "Don't worry about the Horcruxes. We'll get everything ready for the hunt."

Harry threw him a disbelieving glance.

"What? So marriage has been good for me. What can I say?"

**X O X O X O X**

Harry landed in the back yard and pulled his cloak off, before walking to the back door and opening it as quietly as possible. He slipped in and put his broom and cloak down in the corner of the dining room, then creaped into the front room. Even though he was a few minutes early, he didn't want to risk upsetting anyone. He found the couch where he'd been sleeping the last three nights, and settled down into it, pulling the covers over him.

Five minutes later, he had the feeling he was being watched. Palming his wand, he slowly pulled the covers down from his face as he looked out into the darkened living room, and right into the same five pairs of eyes he left two hours ago.

"'Arry," Fleur purred in a sultry voice, standing in a little nighty. "Are you still awake?"

His eyes enlarged to twice the size. "Y y yes?"

Ginny drew a finger down Fleur's arm, then ran her hand through her own hair and looked out from underneath her eyelashes at Harry. "The bond's done something strange to our – what was that called, Hermione?" She cooed playfully.

"They're called Hormones," Hermione answered. "And they cause a witch to have . . . cravings."

Harry was scared sti. . . er, scared to death.

Daphne stepped behind Hermione and slipped her arms around the Gryffindor witch. "Lots of cravings – insatiable, burning desire type cravings. Do you understand, Harry?"

Harry nodded, unable to speak.

"Good!" Button said from the coffee table, standing next to Fleur. "Now go get us chocolate! What's with all this healthy garbage you bought for us What are we? Rabbits?"

"And ice cream too!" Hermione warned. "Lots of it. At least a Kilogram!"

"Two Kilograms, I zhink, chocolate."

"Mmm," Ginny purred. "Fleur, I think we just may get along. If Harry hurries up, he can even watch me lick it off you."

Harry was off the couch and out of the house in fourteen seconds, only to have to return and put his trousers on before running back out of the house.

**~ . ~ . ~**

As the door closed the second time, his bondmates fell about themselves laughing.

"Zhat was cruel, Jhinney!" Fleur said between paroxysms of laughter.

"It was worth it. He'll be back here within the quarter hour, guaranteed."

"Yeah, but what then?" Hermione asked. You basically promised. . . ."

Ginny turned to Fleur. I hope you _really _like chocolate.

"Zhat's okay, I'm sure there's many other little witches in the world zhat's bonded over 'Arry Potter and Ice Cream in the last few years.

* * *

><p><strong>AN **Alright, this one got a bit more risqué than I intended . . . It wasn't intended like that when I started, but hey, if the guys can take a few hits to the ego. . . . Anyway, it definitely won't get any worse than this and truthfully, it's going to be dialed back a bit. I really don't like writing risqué stuff, but the scene just played itself out.

It was another fun chapter to write however. Speaking of chapters, the last one had lines from DylanBlack's "Harry's Harem" (yep, definitely entertaining), and a poke at Driftwood1965's _Harry Potter and the Price of Being Noble_ (bond = marriage). As I said before, both of these are fun fics and I poke at them out of respect for them, though DylanBlack is quite a bit more risqué in places, but I've found I can skip that and still get the storyline.

For those of you waiting for an update on "When a Veela Cries," It's probably coming out next weekend. I should be getting it back from my second Beta today or tomorrow, and then it has two more hops to go.

*I lifted this idea, boldly and proudly, from a hilarious and purposefully over the top Tri-Wizard tournament fic from Jeconais titled _Hogwarts Dawn_. However, in his fic, the comment was about Sirius – and said in his presence. He has graciously provided permission for doing so. Please visit his fic and give it a read as a thank you. The address is jeconais dot fanficauthors dot net backslash Hogwarts_Dawn/Chapter_1/ Don't use the www. also, you need to log in, while it is rated "mature," it probably should have a PG-13 rating at worst.

Matter of fact, please visit all these fics if you haven't and leave reviews – they're all worth it.

* * *

><p>** No Garden Gnomes or feminine hygiene products**<br>** have been harmed in the making of this fic.**

**E. C. Scrubb owns no rights to the Harry Potter Story or Universe.**  
>**Seriously, you've read my writing, do you think I'd of even sold one book?**<p>

**So yeah, no money made off this and no copyright infringement intended**


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